The Super-Life of Lois Lane!

A costumed super-champion from Krypton, saving Earth on a daily basis only to be pestered by a snoopy co-worker obsessed with uncovering a secret identity. Everyone knows that story, but in Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #47 (Feb. '64), the formula gets turned upside down when it's Lois Lane who's the hero, and Clark Kent the prying pest.

The always dependable Kurt Schaffenberger provides the art for this one. I wasn't able to dig up an attribution for the writer.

As we open Superman arrives an hour late for a rendezvous with Lois Lane, who's been waiting for him on a freezing cold, snowy mountaintop. "Sorry, Lois," he says cheerfully, "but I was delayed on a mission! I'll make it up to you by treating you to a fascinating experience!"

Va-va-voom! Oh wait, but this is a comic book aimed at kids, and it's 1964, so Superman just meant he'd take Lois to the Fortress of Solitude and leave her alone with a new super-computer. "I'll be busy on some experiments," he says, ever the charming date, "Meanwhile study this super-computer! It can solve problems for you! Just learn those instructions!" (I see IT support was about the same in 1964 as it is today).

It's probably not the smartest move to leave a notorious snoop like Lois alone with a computer that can answer any question (like "What is Superman's true identity?") but as luck would have it, it turns out Lois has another burning question on her mind today.

Asked to calculate what might have happened if Lois, not Superman, had arrived on Earth from Krypton, the computer answers in the form of an audio-visual simulation...which I guess is what makes it "super."

Anyway, Lois learns that if she came from Krypton, she'd be super. (For this she needs a computer?!?)

In a "clever" twist, it is Clark Kent who's the pest in this reality, always trying to prove Lois is really the super-heroine Krypton Girl. First, he dares her to let him cut her hair; if she's Krypton Girl, the scissors will break. Lois accepts the dare, then sabotages the scissors with her super-powers.

Okay, maybe I'll buy pin-point accurate heat vision, but how could Clark not feel a puff of super-cold breath hitting a pair of scissors he's holding?

Only temporarily frustrated, Clark takes Lois on an assignment to see a new burglar-proof vault, then "accidentally" locks them both inside with no one around to release them. Lois is immediately suspicious, and her x-ray vision confirms Clark's up to no good.

Pretending to panic, then faint, Lois decides to teach Clark a lesson and secretly squeezes shut the valve on his hidden oxygen tank. Then she steals transistors from his walkie-talkie. When he discovers his safeguards have failed him, Clark goes into a blind panic and pounds desperately at the vault door. Lois uses her heat vision to burst a water pipe outside the vault, and the leaking water short-circuits a burglar alarm, bringing the police and rescue.

In spite of everything, Clark is still suspicious, so Lois throws in the towel, quitting the Daily Planet to take up a job as a spokesmodel on TV.

Things go well until Clark Kent shows up yet again. "Perry fired me because I made you quit!" he explains, "So I got a job as a news editor on this station! Glad we're working together again, Lois?"

That evening, the station receives a news flash that a passenger liner is sinking out at sea. Hundreds of passengers are in danger, but Clark just sees it as a chance to catch Lois changing to Krypton Girl. Imagine his surprise when a televised report shows Krypton Girl lifting the ship to safety, even though Lois is standing next to Clark in the studio.

Lori the Mermaid sends a telepathic message to Lois explaining that the Legion of Super-Heroes saw her predicament and sent Night Girl to substitute for her. Night Girl only has super-strength at night, but as the ship was sinking at night, that was no problem.

Note that Night Girl has to tell Lois she's changed her clothes, or else she might not have noticed. Also note that Legion time-bubbles are now passé, as one can simply break the time barrier with a good strong leap. Well, maybe not, but "I've launched myself toward the future with a mighty super-leap" just begs to be made into the lyrics of a hit song.

Whoa, stop the presses! I just realized Lori the Mermaid has a psychic connection to Lois in this reality, just as she has one to Clark in our reality. And we know how that connection was forged. Forget this story, how about a recap of Lois and Lori's torrid affair in college? Now THAT I'd pay to see.

This next panel is priceless...

Yes, that is pretty surprising. But considering how stupidly trusting Superman is with Lois in our reality, even after all she's put him through, it's entirely consistent.

Strolling through the Fortress, Clark spots a lead capsule containing Red Kryptonite that has not yet affected Krypton Girl (we know this because it's labeled with a sign to that effect, no doubt provided by Adam West). Once back in Metropolis, Clark makes us of the Red-K dust by sprinkling it on the already-red costume of a guy everyone trusts.

Wow, that's a dirty trick. And to use Santa Clause in your evil plot, too? That Clark Kent guy is a real jerk. And Lois is pretty dim, because it's August.

As Lois reads the story of Jack and the Beanstalk to her TV audience, she feels a strange tingling come over her, and races out of the studio. The Red-K has turned her into a giant, but Clark has little time to gloat, as she "fixes" him with a Phantom Zone projector (which she keeps in a desk drawer in her office, naturally).

And here the computer simulation ends, with our Lois observing "Clark got just what he serves him right for interfering with my career as Krypton Girl!" But then the anger fades, to be replaced with shame as she comes to her senses.

Yes, that's right folks. Lois Lane finally sees the error of her ways and realizes she's been a pain in the patootie for far too long. There and then she vows never again to be a nuisance to poor old Clark Kent.

Hello, is it just me or does Clark look decidedly crestfallen that Lois is no longer snooping into his affairs? I've said it before and I'll say it again, these two are meant for each other, not because they're the romance of the century but because they share a neurotic co-dependency. Who else would have them?

Not to worry, though, kids. As the editor's note says, in no time at all Lois will be back to her old ways. Because heel or not, it's comedy gold, right?

Plus it's the only story we know how to write.